"Money and sex, Brian," pronounced my lively octogenarian great aunt, completely out of the blue, as she and my organic gardening pioneer of a great uncle (her husband of fifty years) were showing me the lovely countryside of southern Indiana.  "What?" I asked, slightly shocked.  She explained:  "Money and sex.  In that order.  That's what breaks up marriages."
         If she wanted to make an impression, she succeeded.  In the eight years
since, I've been attuned to statistics on divorce, and have the impression that
perhaps 80% are ultimately over money.  I don't know the true numbers, but
I'm sure they're high.
         Money is often a taboo subject in our culture.  It may be unthinkably rude to ask how much someone makes, how much they've saved or invested, or how deeply buried in debt they are.  Employers can use this taboo to divide and conquer workers.  In some places I've worked, we were "not allowed" to discuss our wages with other employees.  So much for the First Amendment...
         Couples may avoid the difficulty of discussing money, believing that their love for one another should somehow automatically overcome any potential problems.  Too often, hidden resentments escalate into "irreconcilable differences" before they are fully revealed.
         With our wedding approaching, my girlfriend Laura and I wrote a prenuptial agreement regarding money.  These documents were simultaneously made famous and given a bad name by the infamous Donald Trump, but the task of writing one can stimulate the honest communication needed to formulate a basic understanding that both will be happy with--like a vaccination to prevent the common and fatal money-divorce syndrome.  In other cultures or in our own past, the man often dictated the financial rules that the woman would then more or less obey.  Not only is this unfair, but in our post "women's liberation" society it often will simply not work.  The only alternative is for a couple to communicate as equals and have an
understanding that meets each person's needs.
         Those who object to the idea of formal marriage agreements should realize that if you don't make a customized agreement, then you automatically get the generic agreement provided by the state.  In California, this is contained in a set of laws known as the "California Family Code."  Along with being a social, spiritual, and personal committment, marriage is a legal contract with many implications.  It only makes good sense to know what the rules are.
         We've studied the rules in a concise and clearly written self-help legal book called "California Marriage Law" from Nolo Press.  I'm impressed by how much of marriage law actually makes very good sense.  Still, significant parts of it don't fit our unique situation, so with the help of this guide we are clearly, briefly, and in writing stating the key aspects of our agreement that differ from the standard, "one size fits all" agreement that so many accept without review.
         Far from being "negative thinking" or "planning for divorce," this process has deepened our communication, strengthening the relationship.  We may modify our agreement in the future, as conditions change.  Nothing is "written in stone," and already married couples are just as able to formulate such agreements as those who are preparing to take vows.
         No two people have exactly the same values, and the blending of a couple's values will always create a unique situation.  We have the legal right to fit our marriage agreements to our own circumstances, and a clear understanding about basic money issues will facilitate healthy communication and help prevent the disastrous conflicts my aunt warned me about.  When we're free of hidden resentments, we can joyfully celebrate our relationships and lead much more fun and creative lives.
 
 

        Later...September, 1999:  Laura & I got married in August; we had a great ceremony up in some beautiful mountains.  Here's a picture of us at the wedding reception.