My brother, sister, and I agreed not to buy each other Christmas gifts this year.  We're all relieved, and we look forward to just being together for several relaxed days with our parents.
         I'm hopeful that we are part of a larger movement to resist holiday consumerism.  If we stop "buying," we must still keep the spirit of giving inherent in Christmas.  There are many things we can give other than material objects; one of the best is the gift of listening.
         My dictionary defines listening as "hearing with thoughtful attention."  We often merely hear, without really listening.  Many of the world's problems--whether between nations or individuals--stem from poor communication.  Honest, generous listening is the most important key to good communication.
         One of our deepest needs is to feel understood.  When we really listen, we give a gift that is beyond monetary value.  Listening is a skill you can practice, and all improvements pay huge dividends.  The starting point is the ability to keep your ears open and mouth shut, paying full attention to the other.  Even just 30 seconds of quality listening can have dramatic effects.  During this time, leave your own concerns on the shelf.  Listen with affection, empathy, and interest.  Study the person's face; look for feelings behind the words.  Seek to understand.  If there is a pause, don't just jump in with your own ideas.  Accept some silent spaces.  Breathe deeply, be interested, wait.  After the pause--knowing that you are really focused--the person may say something very important.
         Being truly interested makes us better listeners.  Few things in life are as
interesting as other people; the better you listen, the more fascinating things you will hear.  This can further increase your motivation to listen well.
         While keeping the mouth mostly shut is important, a good listener often will
speak--to reflect back the main feelings and thoughts the person is sharing, or to draw the person out with questions.  These are skills that psychotherapists practice and improve throughout an entire career, so we must not expect perfection of ourselves in this more "active" kind of listening.  Still, we can be confident that we'll not go far wrong if we listen with interest, concern, and generosity.
         Listening well can be a major challenge if we have a strong personal stake in the topic, but this is when the benefits are truly phenomenal.  A tiny bit of good
communication can totally change the tone of the discussion.  In an atmosphere of good will, the rest of the issues become much easier to handle.  At difficult times, I remind myself of two facts that motivate me to listen well.  First, if the other person feels understood, they are much more likely to then listen and understand my point of view.  Second, I've often been wrong in the past.  Why not listen carefully and openly?  I might learn something valuable!
         Trust is another element of good listening.  A person will often share confidences with someone who listens well, and these must not be carelessly revealed to others or used to attack that person in the future.
         Listening takes time, and sometimes we may feel too rushed to do it well.  If this is a regular pattern, we might need to reorganize our lives to create time for the things that matter most.  Still, it is often not the quantity, but the quality of communication that is crucial:  4 or 5 minutes of complete, undivided, generous listening can have dramatic and wonderful effects!
         So scale back the "shopping" this Christmas, and give the gift of listening instead.  Try it!  When you're with someone who needs understanding, be generous.  Say to yourself:  "for the next 30 seconds," (or 5 minutes, or whatever) "I will forget my own concerns and give this person my full attention."  You'll be amazed.